BOOK REVIEW: Between Us and the Moon by Rebecca MaizelBetween Us and the Moon by Rebecca Maizel
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Synopsis:

A luminous young adult novel that evokes Judy Blume’s Forever for a new generation.

Ever since Sarah was born, she’s lived in the shadow of her beautiful older sister, Scarlett. But this summer on Cape Cod, she’s determined to finally grow up. Then she meets gorgeous college boy Andrew. He sees her as the girl she wants to be. A girl who’s older than she is. A girl like Scarlett.

Before she knows what’s happened, one little lie has transformed into something real. And by the end of August, she might have to choose between falling in love, and finding herself.

Fans of Jenny Han and Stephanie Perkins are destined to fall for this story about how life and love are impossible to predict.

 


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WARNING: If you don’t like mean reviews, do not read this. If you don’t like RANTS, do not read this. If you don’t like curse words, demoralization of fictional characters, or just an all around bad attitude….DO NOT MOTHERFUCKING READ THIS.

No one has ever seen me post a mean review. I have NEVER lost my shit before. If anyone-ANYONE-is curious as to what my INITIAL reaction is after a book I am just all around generally disgusted by? THIS WOULD BE THE REVIEW TO READ.

FUCK MY FORMAT.

FUCK BEING POLITE.

FUCK ALL MY RULES.

FUCK ALLLLL THE THINGS.

**P.S. It has been two days since I wrote this and while I am cringing as I look at the review, I also still stand by these thoughts and why I was pushed to the edge. My delivery is harsh, but I am choosing to leave this as is. So, again, I warn you: Don’t read this if you want nice normal Chelsea**

I don’t know why this is the book that flipped my bitch switch-I really don’t. But I’ll tell you this: Not in YEARS have I been literally dog ass tired and wanted to go to sleep and finished a book I didn’t like right before bed and IMMEDIATELY catapulted out of bed to dust off my laptop to write emotions I fear I will sleep on and let slip by once I wake up. I don’t do this-EVER. I finish a book. I go to sleep-even if it’s hard-and I think on it. I wait, I deliberate…I write a fair review. But no. I can’t-NO-I WILL NOT, let this one slide. I don’t know why-

Oh, I know, wait, perhaps it’s because I have this irreparable, totally illogical, neurotic, irrational PHOBIA of spiders (oh no, believe me, there’s a motherfucking point to this) and after finishing this lovely gem of a book, I went to take my dog out (yeah, I can still be level-headed whilst in a rage) and was oh-so-nicely (not) waiting on her to come inside when I felt my BARE FOOT STEP PARTIALLY onto a crunchy ‘ol leaf. Oh nonononono, it wasn’t a leaf, my friends, it was a fucking LARGE BLACKISH BROWN (the devil is in the details) spider I had stepped on and it was STILL ALIVE because I have this weird thing where I can tell I’m about to crush something (probably because my dogs are forever under my feet) and what does it even matter???? I stepped on a SPIDER-something I have avoided doing MY WHOLE LIFE-after finishing this book. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Oh! And even better-it’s little (I kid, it was BIGGER) friend was in the corner one foot from him! So I had TWO spiders surrounding me in my bare feet and my cantankerous dog WOULD NOT COME INSIDE and I am in hysterics trying to kill the bastards and one GETS AWAY. Needless to say? I HAVE LOST MY SHIT.

This review is A MUST. I still feel like they are in my hair or something. I feel just plain GROSS.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I thought I would conduct a scientific experiment-you know, like my FAVORITE main character here. She’s so smart…didn’t you know??

This is the
Scarlett
Loser Experiment.
How to lose a guy in one summer:

✔ Lie.
✔ Lie.
✔ Lie.

✔ Impersonate, oh whoops, emulate your sister’s nonchalant, flippant, bitchy ways to prove to your ex, and everyone, that you aren’t merely an observer in this world, that you have a personality and that you exist.

Oh yeah, because becoming someone completely different is showing you have a personality.


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SPOILER ALERT: SHE HAS NO PERSONALITY. Like..for real. None. Zilch. Nada. I ALWAYS love my main characters, but this girl?? She had no backbone. No zest. No VOICE. I never care in stories but her lies….they hurt someone. You know what? In fact? They hurt literally THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS STORY THAT EARNED A STAR. Actually, he earned two, because I loved him. HAHAHAHA A boy! Shocking right??? I DON’T CARE.


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And when you mess with the ONLY redeemable character in the story? I, again, lose my shit.


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✔ Admit to having a nickname with the word ‘bean’ in it. I’m sorry, that name, in any form, elicits mockery and horribly disturbing thoughts. OH BEAN, ya little turd, come’re will ya?? Grab the forks, BEANIE!!! Come’re BEANIE WEENIE!!!

I’m sorry, are we talking about a dog…or a human being?? And don’t even get me STARTED on THE UGLY TRUTH movie pertaining to that beautifully coined phrase. Sorry if you have this nickname-for real, it’s probably cute on you. But this bitch??? She’s just asking to be smacked.

✔ PUSS THE FUCK OUT at every opportunity you receive to come clean. SERIOUSLY. YOU LITTLE WUSSY POS. YOU ARE RUINING SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE!!!! Do you NOT understand this????

Oh! Let me get y’all up to speed: Our little astronomer? She’s 16. Literally-she JUST turned 16, And guess how old the lovely-and totally not in the know-Andrew is? He is 19, folks.

Frankly? This doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t make me feel weird. It’s normal, to me. I know a TON of people who date like this. I realize once you have one partner in HS and one not it gets tricky, I really do, but I just don’t care. And don’t clutch your pearls at me!

My point? If shit went south….HE’D get in trouble. HISSSSS life would be over. Think about that, you inconsiderate little twat.
How to lose readers after one chapter:

✔ Think scientifically All. The Damn. Time.


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Like, what is this, the Big Bang theory??? I didn’t realize this was a Sheldon book. But, you know, I’ve seen this done before in other realistic fiction books…but not ONCE has it made me want to suffocate myself with my fluffy socks. In fact, one of my UNFORGETTABLE ABSOLUTE FAVORITE BOOKS has someone who relates a ton of things to physics. But this chick? Shoot me…shoot me now. Everything came back to….I don’t even know what. Constellations blah blah mathematic experimentation and tracking the comet blah blah SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEAN!


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✔ ALWAYS PITY yourself and your lack of voice-that’ll do it, too.

✔ MAKE. MY. BOY. CRY. Because of your lies. YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES, and they are poorly constructed at best. Need I say more? You hurt my guys, you pretty much shoot yourself in the foot-capiche?


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✔ You make me kinda start to like you, like you enough to pity you and tear up for you (even though you were still at a soft 2.5 star-you were never special to me, even when you started to figure shit out). I start to FEEL for you…and then you STILL don’t do your job. And when you do??? You crush someone’s soul. How do you like them apples??

You pretentious little shit-GO TO HELL.

Yes, I still gave this a two. Andrew was wholly quotable…and this story?? It had a ton of potential. I swear it did. I liked it, then I hated, I liked it, then I hated it. And, more often than not, the parts I would start to like would have Andrew in them. And when she was alone, I started to hate it and skim. Hmmm….curiouser and curiouser…

I wish, I truly do, that I had a pensieve like Dumbledore had in Harry Potter so I could pull all my thoughts at the moment out of my head and hold them in the swirling crystal ball of not-so-forgotten memories, because I have so much I want to say right now and so little time. And I know I’ve lost numerous people by now-sorry guyzzz-but I just HAD to get this evil out of my system. I would not recommend this to one person… I never say that, but I just can’t find it in my heart to push this on ANYONE….

Actually…

If you like twatwaffles who use their own sadness to experiment against innocent and down in spirits college guys for their own gain, girls who are incapable of telling people NO, girls who can’t speak their mind, girls who literally-And I do mean literally-say mean shit about the boy they’re dating to act all nonchalant to girls she barely knows but assumes are cool or popular to gain status quo….then be my guest-Enjoy it. REALLY. Enjoy. It.

And yeah, I feel bad because I truly want to cocoon Andrew and pull him from this book and transport him into a more promising and substantial novel, because she just isn’t worth my breath. But he is: He is the most concerned, thoughtful, patient, friendly, protective guy…and she didn’t deserve an ounce of his time if she couldn’t be braver than she was. She was a coward and she deserves to be left in the dust. But what do I know? I’m just merely a girl whose spirit was crushed as surely as that one dead spider’s spindly, creepy (okay I’ll stop) legs. Eew. Just…eew.

Ohohohohohohhoh! I just thought of some other people who might like this book! If you’ve ever wronged me….YOU’D LOVE THIS…I JUST KNOW IT!


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